


Lady Mary Heartskill's Squiddles!

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck, Squiddles - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Gross-out humor, Image Heavy, Import, Olivia John-Newton, Original character focused, Surreal, drug and alcohol humor, fanadventure, forever unfinished, from 2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:37:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7759840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A regular episode of Squiddles...or is it?</p><p>(My fanadventure from MSPAchan, presented here for archiving and to get attention.)</p><p>(my photobucket pictures were taken down and i haven't yet fixed that. sorry.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted in a chan. [Archive here](http://nepeta.mozai.com/mspachan.backup/adv/). Much of the banter from the original thread hasn't been copied here. 
> 
>  
> 
> As said in the tags, this has a gross-out running gag, jokes about drug and alcohol use, and some other tasteless things. Otherwise, it's Teen Rated.

** > Start adventure**

Your name is SKIPPER PLUMBTHROAT. You have lived a hard life on the sea for many years. Though you were once a naive landlubber, you now consider yourself an old salt that has seen all there is to see. Today you are 33 years old.  
  
You have many INTERESTS. Most of them are on the STUDENT LOANS YOU STILL HAVEN'T PAID OFF. Therefore you spend most of your time TRYING TO GET THE MONEY instead of any silly hobbies. Though you do enjoy DECOUPAGE when you get the time.  
  
You are on the deck of your almost-paid-for ship, the CATCHYEGRABBER. The weather looks bad but nothing you can't handle. What will you do?

 

** >Chirp like a dolphin and vomit on the deck. **

** **

Oh come on you are an experienced seaman. You aren't going to flip out and vomit like an accountant on a cruise ship!

oops

 

** **

Right now you are too busy looking for your lost breakfast. Man, an all jelly bean and white russian diet is hard on the stomach.

But yeah, you really should look for those Squiddles so you can make them into gold or eat them or something. You can't quite remember what Squiddles are used for. Ah, you can look it up on Wikipedia later.

** >Return to port for supplies before you get scurvy. **

** **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You aren't going to get scurvy! Jelly beans count as fruit, don't they? Besides, you got vitamins.

 

** >Skipper: Examine fetch modus. **

** >Check the bottle to see where the pharmacy that prescribed them is located. **

 

** **

Luckily, your fetch modus works the same way your "vitamins" do. You have to get a prescription from DR. FEELNUMB. His office is conviently located in 1974 New York, next to the DOLLAR STORE THAT IS OBVIOUSLY A MAFIA FRONT. The doctor is indisposed at the moment, but that doesn't matter because there isn't anything you want from your inventory right now.

 

Now, to find the Squiddles, first you must find your NAVIGATOR. If only you could remember the guy's name. You do remember he wanted to be in the Marines though.

** >Call NAVIGATOR by name **

** **

him name is panis cupcake

Your name is PAINIS CUPCAKE. As a child you wanted to join the US Marine Corp so you could fight chess pieces and carry a cool sword and go rock climbing. Unfortunately, you are color blind. Instead, you joined the crew of the CATCHYEGRABBER as their NAVIGATOR.  
  
Though you are PAINFULLY EARNEST and RATHER SIMPLE, you are not A COMPLETE IDIOT. You work daily with high-tech equipment that would BLOW MOST PEOPLE'S MINDS. Finding the elusive Squiddles is hard work. You don't feel your boss appreciates that, but you are too nice to say anything.  
  
Speaking of your boss, you think you hear him calling. What do you do?

** > PC: Open chest. And then open that yellow box. **

oh my....oh my dear.  
  
Well, if Ed Wood can wear womens' underwear while being in the Marines, you can wear womens' underwear while not being in the Marines.  
  
Your boss is still calling you.

** >PC: Be useful. **

After cleaning up, you run to the deck and give the sergeant...you mean skippper a smart salute. He doesn't give a fig. He orders you to go to the bridge and use the navigation whatcha-ma-callit.  


You go to the bridge.

 Told you it would blow your mind.  
  
Okay, it isn't that complicated. You only need a Masters in Mathematics to use it.

**> Skipper: Need a drink**

You are not the skipper so you don't need a drink, alcoholic or otherwise.

** >PC: Be Painis Cupcake. Threaten to eat someone. **

You threaten to eat SQUIDDLES!

You then remember that Squiddles are used as a homeopathic anti-psychotic, not as food.

** >Be a different crew member for a brief moment **

 

Your name is

Okay, during that brief time you got a lot of work done.

You found some Squiddles!

But you suddenly remember that you're colorblind!

** >Painis: Don't look. SM3LL **

** **

You remember that the navigation technology has a program that converts the different colors into sound, and you use your superb hearing to interpret this sound as images.  
  
Of course, given that the technology exists to overcome color-blindness, why couldn't you join the Marines? Maybe it was another reason.

** >Pump loud music into the sea so the Squiddles can't sleep. **

** **

Thinking about this made you think of a great idea you've been wanting to try. You're going to pump loud music into the sea to try and get the Squiddles.  
  
You choose the hit soundtrack to the bust movie Xanadu. Not because you think it sucks, mind you. In fact you are a huge fan of Olivia Newton-John. That sweet Australian singer-actress rollerblades her way into your heart. You just love that girl!  
  
It's a shame the Marines discriminates against your kind. And by your kind you mean Olivia John-Newton fans.

You play the album.

** >They're the children of freedom. Drop some depth charges and raze a sand castle village to the seabed. **

** **

You'll just lay down some heavy fire on these SOB with your FH, conduct some CQC with any holdouts, and after some reconnaissance you'll go for some R&R to the PX for the USO show staring ONJ.

YOU'RE NOT IN THE MARINES, GOMER!  
The CATCHYEGRABBER has no depth charges!

** >Painis: Fire exactly one torpedo. **

** **

Is that something sexual?

No time to ponder that, your plan worked! Look at all those Squiddles!

a place  
where nobody dared to go

** >PC: OH MY GOD. **

You are a...

pfff like who cares

 

**> Painis: Use Thetan telepathy to alert the Skipper**

** **

You use your THETAN TELEPATHY that you've always had all this time to contact the SKIPPER.

Unfortunately, the SKIPPER clouds his mind with THE EVILS OF PSYCHIATRY. You get a nosebleed, because that's what happens to psychics in all the movies.

And then you vomit, which makes much more sense. Seems you'll have to do things the old-fashioned way.

** >Be the Skipper. Sing a sea shanty. **

** **

You are now the...

Where is the SKIPPER?

Where's the SKIPPER?

Where's the SKIPPER?

Where's the SKIPPER?  
Where's the SKIPPER??

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS THE FUCKING SKIPPER?  
  
  
  
(end Part 1 of Lady Mary Heartskill's Squiddles!)


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Anti-Romani slur played for laughs.

** >>Be rendered in a more symbolic fashion. **

** **

Your name is LADY MARY HEARTSKILL. You were given birth forty two years ago by a SCION OF THE RUTHERIAN...oh, no one buys that anymore. You were born to a COVENTRY MILKMAN AND HIS WIFE. You have always been very imaginative girl and like to LIE LIKE A RUG about your origins. You even tell people you are older than you are.  
  
You worked to become a SCIENTIFIC ILLUSTRATOR until you realized how boring that was, and now you are WORLD FAMOUS CARTOONIST. Your first big hit was MANTHROCHAPS and you are now trying to work on your next big thing.  
  
You cultivate AN ECCENTRIC PERSONA. Along with pretending to be AN ARISTOCRAT, you have a great interest in BRITISH HISTORY, especially the INTERWAR YEARS and the REGENCY. You think those were the better days. You have a great interest in ART but HATE EVERYTHING AFTER 1945, INCLUDING POP ART. You are RACIST AND ANTI-SEMITIC, but in such a weird and gentle way that your friends look like a BENETTON AD.

You are on a YACHT two days away from Auckland, New Zealand. You took this birthday trip in the hopes of breaking your CREATIVE BLOCK. You are RICH, due to you being an aforementioned WORLD FAMOUS CARTOONIST career annnnnd because your ex-husband was WELL-ENDOWED.  
  
The trip is not going good. The SEA is DEAD. Your SKIPPER is MISSING.

And there is a MYSTERIOUS DOG in front of you.  
  
What will you do?

By the way today is SEPTEMBER 11  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
...1997.

** >Throw self overboard in a fit of pique. **

** **

You cannot live in a world that would torment an artist such as yourself with such horrendous doldrums, so you must cast yourself into the sea, like a 20th Century Ophelia, so that Neptune might take you into his loving bosom!

The damn door's stuck.

Since you're stuck with this DOG, you might as well name it something BRITISH-Y AND ECCENTRIC.

** >Piker **

You name the hellbeast PIKER because it is an offensive term for Irish Travelers and Roma.  
  
Oh God, the dog just barked and it sounded like a flash of lighting on a clear blue day and you _don't know how it's possible for something to sound like that._

** >Give Piker a belly rub. **

oh god oh god oh god oh god

It feels like fresh snow on Christmas Day and _you don't know how that's possible_

** >Piker: help your new friend get to the bottom of the sea **

Using your doggy senses you realize the human is unhappy with her present location.

Maybe you should teleport her some place else.

** >No! Bad dog. **

Okay, let's try that again.

** > Check to see if there are any other inhabitants on this island. Perhaps maybe a badass grandfather and his sweet granddaughter/paradox daughter? **

** **

Yes, first things first to...

Well let's see _you_ hold down your tomato and beans after suddenly teleporting hundreds of kilometers.  


You survey the island. Wow. It is beautiful. If it wasn't for the vomiting you'd think this was a dream.

In the distance you see an elderly gentleman.

 

 

Elderly? Old people = sherry! You have a PRESSING NEED FOR A GLASS OF SHERRY!  
  
Seriously, it's in your SYLLADEX, not that anyone asked.

 

** >Did you bring enough to share? Nobody can call you an alcoholic if you drink socially! **

** >Mary: Slip on a candycorn shrimp and fall. **

****   


What is a candy corn shrimp and why would you ever...

...oh bloody hell!

** >Find the thing you slipped on and promply eat it. **

You cannot see any candy corn shrimp! Which may be a moot point given that you're looking at the sky and you don't expect to see candy corn shrimp...actually you never expect to see candy corn shrimp.  
  
Oww, your back hurts.

** >Piker: Use devilbeast powers to get Mary to Grandpa. **

No need to change characters, he's here!

...and armed!  
  
Damn, must be an American.

** >Mary: Angrily explain situaion to that dense American. **

** >no talk, hands in the air! quick! **

** >Surrender to this dashing adventurer. **

 

 

You check your STRIFE DECK. Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is WHINGKIND and you are currently equipped with SARCASTIC COMPLAINING. Not very useful in a...well it did get you out of a mugging once.

You cannot AGGRESS or ABSOUND, so you swallow your pride and ABDICATE.

...the sound of thunder...

 

(End of part 2 of Lady Mary Heartskill's!)


	3. Part 3

You don't know what you were trying to accomplish here.

** >Lord Plumbthroat: Check to make sure no sea unicorns have punctured the hull. **

** **

You are not a Lord and the idea of just giving yourself a title of peerage strikes you as silly and rather sad.

Anyway, you check the sea. Gee whiz you hope there aren't any sea unicorns.

Oh no sea unicorns!  
  
And what's with the art change? Is this a different studio or something? Not a better one though.

** >Plumbthroat: curse the squiddles for sending a friend of the sea, then grab your Time Harpoon and get ready to aggress **

You never stop cursing the squiddles but you do stop wearing that ridiculous green coat. You ready your TIME HARPOON...

Remember your fetch modus? That didn't stop being a thing!

_ (A/N: at this point, a helpful anon in the original thread told me: Items can be added and removed from the strife specibus at will, so long as there's enough cards in it to hold them and so long as the items match the specibus' allocation. To paraphrase John, it is one of the few inventory bits that are not a federal fucking issue) _

** >Plumpthroat: Stab that shit. Or better yet, get one of your underlings to do it. **

However the heck your strife deck works, you know this: you aren't paying yourself enough to deal with this. Time to find another crew member. Preferably one who isn't busy trying to gain YouTube fame.

Which one of these reprobates do you call, and what do you called them?

 

** >c: Barrels "Spam Fan" Kahananui **

Thank you for choosing a character I already had an introduction screen for!

Your name is BARRELS "SPAM FAN" KAHANANUI. You are the ORDINARY SEAME...oh let's just call him an OS and end that joke there. Basically he does ODD JOBS AROUND THE BOAT.  
  
You know those overgrown men, misshapen and deformed, who everyone counts off due to cruel legends of small minded giants, thought in reality they are very intelligent, if only given the chance to shine?  
  
You are not one of those men. You really are AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK.  
  
You are pulled away from your daydreams of your NATIVE HOME with the cry of the SKIPPER. Seems he wants you to deal with some sea unicorns. As long as it's not CLEANING UP PUKE AGAIN you're fine with this.

** >Barrels: Take care of SEA UNICORN. **

** **

You check your STRIFE DECK. Mopkind? And the SKIPPER has a time harpoon? If you weren't so stupid you'd think this was all hugely unfair.

Oh well. You jump in.

You land safely if rather badly pixelized. You are ready to face the dread sea unicorn.

** >COMBAT OPERANDI -> HONOLULU HAMMER **

You ready the HONOLULU HAMMER when...

Because we all really should be doing other things. Will be back Dec 26.

next?

** >Billy the Bellsuit Diver: Descend. **

nooooooo!!!!

** >Billy: Level Up. **

Technically the SEA UNICORN levels up. It achieves the new rung A JOHN CUSACK MOVIE WHERE HE DOESN'T END UP IN THE RAIN and earns 212 LIRA.

** >Billy: Commune with the Brineswallow. **

** **

BILLY THE BELLSUIT DIVER is FRIEND to all sea creatures!!!

ALL OF THE SEA CREATURES.  
  
YOU MUST OBEY THEM ALL.

You use your SANTERIA POWERS to commune with the Brineswallow.

** >Brineswallow: Torment Nogbaby. **

Billy as Brineswallow: What is a nogbaby and why would you ever torment it?

** >Brineswallow: Consume sea unicorns. **

Billy as Brineswallow: No! You cannot harm the sea unicorns! You are friend to all sea creatures!  
  
Unless the Brineswallow needs to consume sea unicorns to survive. Wow, ecological sensitivity is hard!

** >Brineswallow: Just take the sea unicorns to Sea World for a while. **

** **

You take the sea unicorn to SEA WORLD in QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA, on the lovely GOLD COAST. The sea unicorn will enjoy watching BERT AND ERNIE'S ISLAND HOLIDAY and riding the SEA VIPER.

You'll get it in New Game Plus.

** >Squiddles: Where the hell are you? **

You return to the deck after "dealing" with the sea unicorn.  
  
Wait, what is this?

The sky is clear.

IT IS TIME

To find out what Lady Mary Heartskill is doing!


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> q-word used in original sense

** >Retrieve buckshot from chin. **

Lady Mary Heartskill would have you know that CLEFT CHINS are very attractive. Yes, even on women. Shut up, she's like the Cleopatra of her time.

Anyway, the American did not pepper your face with buckshot, as expected, but instead helped you up. You are having a lovely tea party now, though the weird seppo insists on putting cream in his tea.  
Speaking of your good looks, it seems this gentleman fancies you. Told you she was quite the charmer. Course it helps that he's been living practically by himself for who knows how long. You fancy him yourself. You like men who are well-endowed. With money. And penis. He might be your next ex-husband!

** >Go back in the water, but for recreational purposes this time. **

To impress him, you're going to strip down to your pants and jump into the pond. Surely this is a good idea!!!

>Do that nastiness offscreen.  
  
>Wait....Do you even have pants?

** >Audience: Recall that to the English use "pants" to mean "undergarments." **

 

** **

Being an AMERICAN, it takes you a while to realiZe that pants means underwear. It does not take you long to realize that no one wants to see an underweight middle aged woman in her granny panties covered in pond slime.

Well, almost no one.  
  
  
Wow, you hope Jade isn't nearby.

** >Realize that middle-age women in granny panties covered in pond scum is your fetish, and cheer up at the idea. **

Wasn't there an episode of Doctor Who where Donna fell in a pond? If not there should have been. Oh yeah.  
  
Maybe you should have a moment to yourself.

** >Jade: Be nearby. **

Meanwhile, toddler Jade ogles these shenanigans.  


man no wonder she has so many memory problems.

** > Start New thread **

** > LADY MARY HEARTSKILL'S SQUIDDLES 2: SQUIDDLE HARDER **

Last Time on Lady Mary Heartskilll's Squiddles:  
  
We had again left the crew of the CATCHYEGRABBER to see the adventures of LADY MARY HEARTSKILL, future creator of SQUIDDLES!, back in the year of ~~1973~~ 1997\. She was marooned on her private yacht until a strange white dog named PIKER appeared. The dog transported her to a FAMILIAR ISLAND. She met Hass "The Flame" Harley there, still alive, and the two hit it off. She is now swimming in the pond for reasons that seemed good...no even back then it was a stupid idea.  
  
And yes, Jade is watching.

** >Jade: Have a friendship aneurysm! **

Hmm, it seems Grandpa is making a new friend.

You're having a friendship aneurysm!

** >Lady Mary Heartskill: Hmm... Friendship Aneurysm... That gives you an idea... **

One of the more inexplicable parts of the Santa Monica Psychiatric Hospital Sketchbook that became the Squiddles bible is the phrase "Friendship Aneurysm". Like everything else in the sketchbook, Heartskill never explained this phrase or said where it came from.

** >Grandpa: First, get Jade back inside. (If she forgot to bring her rifle with her, berate her for it.) Then fap to Mary. **

** **

The cries of your young charge distract you from your perving...I mean, observing of your lovely guest. You feel it is your grandfatherly duty to assist her back into the house, but it would be rude to leave your guest alone. What should you do?

** >Grandpa: Signal to Heartskill that she needs to hide in the lake until you come back. **

You give your guest multiple confusing and possibly obscene signals before giving up and just telling her to stay in the pond until you get back.  


Well isn't that just like a man. Giving you mixed signals then leaving you by a giant frog statue.

** >Who you callin' Pinhead? **

** >fap to Mary **

** **

No.

** >explore temple and forget to bring clothing **

You climb the dangerously steep stairs, taxing Hysterical Woman's already limited abilities. You are still in your pants not because you forgot your clothes, but because YOU LOVE BEING (HALF) NAKED!

** >Piker: Teleport Lady Mary away from the frog temple. **

Piker/Bec/The First Guardian of Earth is upset.  
  
Where should she be teleported?

** >Teleport her to a room with a moose. **

You aren't a total sadist.

** >Teleport her to the Furthest Ring **

You just teleport her to the Furthest Rim.

** >Let's become tangle buddies  
>Tangle budddiiiies **

** **

You can hear a child's voice singing about how much it wants a friend. You listen, because you cannot close your ears like you can close your eyes.  
  
Your eyes are closed.

** >Wonder what these "tangle buddies" are and how might become one. **

You listen closer to the beautiful singing. This music does not sound like the coying music from the show Squiddles, and that would become one of the reasons you could never watch that show, even though it carried your name. Listening to that theme song felt like listening to a bad cover, times 314 with a case of painful deja vu. It could never match this song. This was a song of longing, a song from a lonely misunderstood child looking for friendship, deserted in a place where nobody dared to go, and though things seem hopeless, the child finds friends, the best buddies anyone could ever ask for, and the child is never lonely again. No Earthly music could compare to this beautiful song.

Actually it sounds a little like the British progressive rock band Electric Light Orchestra.

You ask in your heart how you can find such friendship as found in the song.  
  
A voice answers back: open your eyes.

** > Open eyes. **

** **

You open your eyes.

A young girl stands before her window. It is September 11, ~~1940~~ 1968\. Thirteen years ago she was given life, but only today will she be given a name.  
What is her name?

** > "HOPELESS SHUTIN" **

That's not your name! That's a sad and silly name!

** > BUTTERNUT SOUFFLE **

Obviously this is your name. This has always been your name.

** >Butternut: Glub like sealife and defenestrate some waste. **

Yes! Recreate the Thirty Year War as in an alternate universe where fish ruled the world!

Damn windows doesn't open.

And you suffer a delayed reaction to the teleportation.

** >Unpuke **

** >Retrieve arms from puke. **

What puke? You haven't puked. You've just been playing in your room for the past four hours.

You examine your room. It shows signs of your many interests.

No wait, your one interest. You are interested in Squiddles. You have no other interests.

** >Butternut: Do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle for no adequately explained reason. **

You fail miserably and fall on...what are these things? Oh yes, merchandise from that show you're obsessed with. The one that won't air for 32 years. Yes, how could you forget that? You'll be forgetting your best friend's name next.

** >Telephone best friend. **

Yes, you'll go down to the kitchen and ring up your best friend on the big rotary phone!

No wait you have no friends because you're queer and a liar and you got spots and you always want to play Blitz Squiddles. You remain sad and friendless.

_ (A/N: queer is meant in the original sense) _

** >Butternut: turn that 0_0 into a 0u0, there are adventures to be had. **

You've always preferred the letter w.

Time to ~~search for unexploded ordinances put on an all-horse version of Lion In Winter~~ look for squiddles!  
  
Picture related.

** >Ingest many fine cheeses **

Capital idea! Squiddles love fermented curd and you're feeling a bit peckish yourself. You go down to the local cheese shop to buy some for your underwater friends. What would they like?

** > Feta. The squiddles demand feta. **

Participating in basic commerce has caused you to go into hero mode. Damn you're tall for a 13 year old girl. You ask for some feta cheese.

In defiance to conventions the cheese shop actually has cheese!

You have no money!

** >sell shoes for cheese money **

** **

It's a little known fact that during the first Wilson term the UK switched to the barter system. Either that or the shopkeeper's a nonce who likes mary janes.

With your FETA CHEESE and EXTRA PAIR OF SHOES, you go to one of Coventry's many sunny beaches to meet the squiddles.

** >Perform an interpretive dance to attract the Squiddles. **

The squiddles better appreciate this. Goddamn lousy only friends in the world.

Twilight? But you only meant to stay a while.

_Is this real or just a dream  
there's nothing that is in between_

 Roll over Beethoven!


	5. The Unfinished Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Technically this was still part 4 but I think it should be its own part because it's a scene change.

** >Painis: find out what Plumbthroat's deal is. **

** **

You notice the Skipper looks a little strange. Or, at least you would notice that...

...if you weren't looking at the SQUIDDLES.

** >Skipper: AGGRESS! **

Plumbthroat aggresses.

** >==> **

Who the glub just shot you?

** > nak **

** >turn and fire, Billy is a murderous wildlife fanatic **

** **

Is it a wild consort? Is it Billy the Bellsuit Diver? Is it some third unmentioned character! No, it's Princess Berryboo! Who is actually a third unmentioned character, come to think of it. What is she trying to accomplish here?

** >Skipper: Shoot white science. **

** **

Is that some sort of sexual reference? Because, you see, you kind of got this sexual tension thing going with the Princess, even though you're thirty three and she's around thirteen, fourteen hundred years old.  
Oh come on, it's not weirder than the sexual tension in the Beetlejuice cartoons!

** >Fondly regard Beetlejuice **

** **

Oh Beetlejuice the animated series based on the Tim Burton movie Beetlejuice. What a great cartoon full of laughter and love. You used to watch that show all the time when you were just...twenty years old? Jeez no wonder you dropped out of law school.

** >Skipper: Realize you accidentally mentioned Beetlejuice thrice. **

** **

Oh no! You accidentally said his name three times! That means....

Absolutely nothing. He's a fictional character. You are not in any danger from some ghostly trickster. We all need to settle down here. Stop being so silly.  
  
Now, back to fighting an immortal magical girl and her flying squids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Beetlejuice killed them all?
> 
> I guess I got bored with this.


End file.
